Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
You are not alone 💚
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light