Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
You Might Also Like
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]