They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.