Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.