Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
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I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
We have a winner.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store