The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂