Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.