@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
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@kwirkyKerri: There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.
@Mr_Kapowski: [getting ready to go out] Wife: I have nothing to wear! Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go
@dreamthievin: Give me a break, ouija board. I don't need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
@smashbrown_: U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?