@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
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@XplodingUnicorn: I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."
@WilliamAder: Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can't pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
@bingowings14: Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you. Snail: It all happened so fast.