ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!