@anylaurie16: Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.
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@PhuckinCody: me: ted is coming over tonight wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
@BuckyIsotope: I'll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: "of course you're supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot."
@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor