Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
cat vs inanimate object
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.