ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
what it’s like dating me:
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.