ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.