Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’