Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My patronus is a cheeseburger
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.