[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
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I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Rooting for the overdog
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
How high do the levels go?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*lint rolls you awake*
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane