[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?