Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
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Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
“no gods no masters” = leo
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.