Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
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Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again