“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Me irl
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’