My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.