Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.