Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I don’t know what to do
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok