Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.