I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.