*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
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I wish I could veto my bills.
OH. COME. ON.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
It鈥檚 pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 馃檨
doctor: the bad news is you鈥檙e dying
me: so there鈥檚 good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
You think you鈥檙e having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Why鈥檚 it called casual sex? It鈥檚 not like people in relationships have sex in top hats鈥ell not every time.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What鈥檚 a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you鈥檙e wearing today.