@iLikeCatShirts: *Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
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@mindykaling: When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
@slimmy_shady: My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
@KenJennings: I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
@1800Randy: I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.