Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
The happy life.. 😊
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.