@skin_and_i: Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight
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@MatCro: [Job interview] "How would you describe yourself?" "I'd use the appropriate adjectives." "Anything else?" "Over-literal sometimes."
@jazmasta: [loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*
@stephenjmolloy: Waiter: "I'm afraid your credit card has been declined." Me: "Try this one." W: "This is a blood donor card." M: "Take as much as you need."