You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Seems kinda suspicious
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing