FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Saw online –
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
“No way.” -Jose
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil