Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
SPLOOT
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway