Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
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7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this