@ThisOneSayz: Auto correct changed "absence" to "absinthe" and now my kid's school won't let me be on the PTA.
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@WheelTod: *Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter "Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don't learn how to spell."
@Stellacopter: [at heaven's gate] God: Tell me why I should let u in Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic God: You can have my bed
@seanforhire: i noticed you didn't put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
@daemonic3: Pizza Hut: May I take your order? Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian? Pizza Hut: Yes, but don't ever call me vegetarian again.