@ThisOneSayz: Auto correct changed "absence" to "absinthe" and now my kid's school won't let me be on the PTA.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: °at Nike advertising meeting° I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don't care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
@Cheeseboy22: Just started a new diet where I order Wendy's salad and then eat all my kids' fries.
@VelouriaDaze: *walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!
@egg_dog: supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’