@WilliamAder: Auto correct changed "mingle" to "mangle," and now I've been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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@lawblob: if you love something set it free. except Shamu.. we all love Shamu but he must be imprisoned forever
@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
@JWilsonGA: No, PSA, buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.
@Jacob_Swift16: Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me? Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up, like for the ride