Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.