Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Clients after you give them your rates