@TYrannosaurus: Auto correct doesn't work when I use caps lock. My phone is like "woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he's wrong"
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@bourgeoisalien: No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I'm just going to follow you home and kill you.
@IrishVin: Me: Can I buy that chandelier? Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself? Me: No, I'm hanging it from the ceiling.
@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing
@Roweboat13G: For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.