Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Webb. James Webb.
peak technology
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.