Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it