This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
You Might Also Like
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Not all heroes wear capes.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
courtroom exchange of the day
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”