Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I am all good here, 😂😉
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”