Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Incredible customer service.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.