[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I have no passwords left in me
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
#Caturday
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.