I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…