Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Real House Wines.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”