Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*