Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game