Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
This trial is so absurd 😭
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.