Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.