Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Mummies are just super modest zombies
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat