Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.