Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
mathematically impossible
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.